I’ve been super spotty with this blog. Sorry about that. I’ve been super struggling lately with a lot of things. As you lovelies know, I struggle with depression. I have for a while. It sucks. It REALLY sucks.
I had an idea to do a piece about depression—what it means to have it. What it feels like. What it looks like. Because, guess what, it’s a lot of things. It’s different than just being sad. It’s more than just being sad.
I still plan to do that piece. I promise. I’ll get to it. But I’ve been distracted lately. I’ve been depressed.
Without getting too much into it (mostly because it’s complicated and I don’t want to share something that’s I’m still working out because blah blah blah whatever), but I’ve been “putting myself out there” lately. Not in a sexy sense. I get now that it might come off sexy.
I’ve been putting myself out into the world, putting my brain, my skill set, my experience, my personality, out into the world for people to look over. For people to evaluate. For the express purpose of changing a huge aspect of my life (for you smarty pants people, you probably know what I’m talking about. For those of you who don’t, I’m sorry. I was hoping to have news, and when I do I’ll write about it. Then you’ll get it).
This process, the searching, the actually putting of myself out into the world, the waiting, the hoping, the daydreaming, the practicing in my head, the constant conversation I’ve had in my head, the dreaming, the wanting, the waiting, the scared feeling, the hopelessness, the exhaustion, the wanting it to all be over…really sucks.
The time. The energy. The draining of my energy. The draining of my hopes. The feeling that I’m not worth it. The feeling that I’m flawed. That I suck. That I’ve messed up. I took a wrong step. I REALLY messed it…sucks.
The need to keep looking. The daily feeling to not being good enough. The constant refreshing of my emails. The constant search. The need to take a break. The need to calm down. Take a breath. Clear my head. Get outside. But not having the energy to go outside…fucking sucks.
The distractions. The time of Facebook. Refreshing. Checking for something new. A new cat video to distract myself. From the constant feeling that I messed up. I’m messed up. I’m not good enough. New distraction. Searching. Daydreaming of a new life. A new location. New conversations in my head. Hoping. Hoping that something will change. A new distraction. Any distraction. Because this feeling sucks.
Putting yourself out there sucks. Whatever way it may be. For me, it’s one thing. It’s been that one thing for over a year now. Two years now. Will be another year. Probably. Fuck. I hope not.
For you, it may be another thing. It may be a sexy thing. It may be a school thing. It may be a work thing. It may be a personal, physical, mental, psychological thing. It may be anything. But it always sucks. The waiting. The hoping. The pretending.
I’m so sorry it sucks. I’m so over it sucking. I’m so over putting myself out there. But I’m still going to do it.
I’m not going to setting for this. I’m not going to stay with this. I’m not going to continue doing something that I don’t enjoy doing. Something that drains me of my self-esteem. Something that makes me feel stupid. Something that made me drink too much. Something that made me have to stop drinking. Something that makes me feel so so so so worthless.
I’m going to keep searching. I’m going to keep refreshing. I’m going to keep writing because it makes me feel good. I’m going to keep trying because I know I will find something.
There are two phrases that I fucking HATE, but I keep thinking about them.
- Things always happen for a reason.
No they don’t. Sometimes dumb things happen. Sometimes stupid, pointless, sad, scary, mean, terrible things happen.
- When one door opens, another one opens. (note: sometimes it’s a window).
This is also dumb. Sometimes nothing happens. Sometimes you’re trapped.
I am not trapped. These things just happen.